Friends. Sometimes we are closer to our friends than our family, and sometimes we have friends that become family! Friends can provide companionship, guidance, fun, and meaningful relationships. It is important for us to recognize that friends play an important and meaningful role in our lives. The same goes for our kids! This month we are going to dive into a protective factor that is making friends with peers.
I used to be a First Grade Teacher, and I always said that I did just as much teaching kids how to go to school as I did teaching math and reading. As a part of teaching them how to go to school, I often had conversations with young children about how to be a friend and how to treat our friends. This is something that seems to come naturally to some children, while others struggle with this concept. It is important that we teach our children how to be a friend when they are young so they can develop healthy friendships that will last them into adulthood. Here are a few tips to help your child learn how to build friendships with their peers based off my experience in the school setting.
To get a friend, you must be a friend.
It is important that we teach our kids how to be a friend to someone. This starts at home by teaching them how to be kind, honest, and thoughtful of other humans.
Teach your child how to solve conflicts.
We know that anytime humans are interacting with each other there is going to eventually be conflict. We all have thoughts and feelings that can lead to disagreements. It is important for children to know how to handle these conflicts in a way that won’t damage the bonds in their friendships. We can work with children on how to solve conflicts by teaching them to express their feelings in a polite and assertive manner. We can also teach our children how to compromise or recognize when they need to take a break from the situation.
Give kids the opportunity to practice.
We can’t expect our kids to know how to be a friend if they have never been around their peers! Give your kids a chance to meet and befriend other children their age. This could be through playdates, church group, pre-school, or even just going to the park. Be there with them to monitor the conversation and make suggestions. You may have to start by helping them introduce themselves, then intervening to help children work through any conflict that may arise.
Teach your child how to set boundaries.
Boundaries are helpful and necessary in all relationships, especially friendships. It is important that we teach our children how they should and shouldn’t be treated, and that we explain to our children that they do not have to continue to take part in a relationship where they are not being treated the way they should. We also need to make sure they know what to do when they are not being treated with respect in a friendship. This may look like teaching them to stand up for themselves, how to go find someone else to play with, and could mean teaching them when to ask an adult for help. Teaching them these skills through friendships when they are young will help prepare them for other types of relationships as they get older.
As children get older friendships can become a complex issue, especially if we are concerned about the behavior of our children’s friends. It is important to remember that friendships are a protective factor. Friendships are a protective factor for many reasons. Friendships provide our children with practice in building healthy relationships, and also teach them skills to identify unhealthy relationships. Friendships can protect our children from substance use because it is often easier to say no as a group than it is by yourself. They also give our kids positive experiences and a better way to spend time than using substances. Friends can also add joy to our lives and prevent feelings of loneliness or depression. As our children get older it is important that we make an effort to get to know their friends. You could do this by befriending the child’s parents or having the child over at your house to hang out. Most likely, at some point your child is going to befriend someone that may display some concerning behavior. How you handle this situation as a parent is crucial! If you demand that the child, not see that kid anymore it is highly possible you could damage the bonds with your own child and the child could begin lying about seeing the friend. As a parent it is our job to guide our children and I encourage you to be open and honest and communicate with your child about your concerns. Let your child know why the relationship concerns you, and what you expect from your child. Also, talk to your child about what they can do and how they can say no in the case that a friend might put them in a bad situation or try to get them to do something they know they shouldn’t do. You may consider developing parameters for the friendship. Those parameters could look like that friend is allowed to come to your house, but your child is not allowed to hang out at their house or maybe your child is allowed to hang out with that friend only if other friends are there as well.
I think it is also important to address a saying we’ve all heard many times. “Susie just got in with the wrong crowd.” This statement implies that it isn’t just one friend with concerning behavior, it's all or the vast majority of the friends. I’ve seen this time and time again, and many parents take the route of grounding or banning them from seeing their friends. I am in no way saying that you should continue to let your child hang out with kids with negative behaviors. However, remember this blog addresses that having friendships with their peers is a protective factor. Isolating our children is not. If you find yourself in this situation it may be helpful to do some course correction with your child. Encourage them to meet new people or make new friends. You may have to help them with this by encouraging them to join new activities or social groups. You could introduce them to new people or ask them to hang out with other people they might know. Regardless, just remember we want our children to have healthy and meaningful friendships. Friendship with peers is a protective factor, and isolation is not. The most impactful thing we can do as caregivers is to communicate with our children and make sure they know our expectations and what will happen if those expectations are or are not met.